Garth's World

Show us your ‘stache

Are you familiar with the phenomenon of something that is so cheesy, dorky or horrendous that it is cool? There is probably some game show word that defines this but I don’t know what it is so I’ll just list examples. I’m talking about kung fu flicks where the lips don’t even come close to matching the words. Comic books. McLovin’ from SuperBad. Bon Jovi. Pimps. Just about any fashion trend from the ’70s. Iron Chef (the original). Tuxedos with ruffles. Members only jackets. Jumpsuits. White high tops. Elvis shades. Cowboy boots. OK – maybe I’ve wandered beyond cool per se - but hilarious, which is even better…

My vote for the word that truly defines the sensation described above should be “mustache.” At the risk of offending my uncle, a Jigsaw board member, several Jigsaw employees and probably a whole bunch of other people, mustaches are for the most part squarely in at least one of the three categories--cheesy, dorky or horrendous. And 100% of the time they are awesome-- maybe not Magnum PI awesome, but awesome.

Sports culture (to which I am addicted) has been recently been inundated with so many great mustaches. The sound guy from the NBA finals supposedly distracted the Lakers. That greasy haired ‘roid lizard from the Yankees had all of the Bronx Boneheads wearing fakes. Michael Phelps showed up in Beijing looking like Wyatt Earp (in a rubber beanie). The Croatian water polo team all grew little mustaches to honor their coach- in Speedos they look like the tryout line for a gay porn shoot. In baseball, you no longer have to be a relief pitcher from Louisiana to grow out what you can under your nose and truly look fantastic.

Anyway, I got to thinking last week that it was time that I grew a mustache. I’ve done it a bunch of times before, as you can see in the surrounding pictures of me with the Kentucky Waterfall, the Trailer Park Dad and the Burt Reynolds on Wall Street. I do it for the same reason every time--because I know that it makes me look so truly horrifying that you can’t help but look and laugh. Except if you’re my wife, who just wants to shoot me…

Now that Garth’s World has a considerable audience, I am calling out for those that feel as I do to join Garth’s Mustache Posse.  Starting today, I am challenging everyone I know- friends, Jigsaw employees, Jigsaw members, readers of Garth’s World, women, anyone--to grow out their facial hair until the end of the month. I already am sporting a ridiculous beard which I plan to shave down into at least 3 other mustache forms by the end of the month. I will document this process on the blog, and would like you all to send in a (digital) picture of all your outrageous mustaches.

If you are a Jigsaw member, I will credit your account with 125 points for emailing in a digital picture of you with a mustache to Community@jigsaw.com. (If you aren’t a Jigsaw member then sign up, it’s free for chrissake.) To the top facial hair mini sculpture I will award 1500 points in their account and showcase their picture on my blog. And hold you my in mind and heart as the personification of mustache: one that which is so tacky that they are cool.

I wish I had this kind of free time

When I agreed to do the Jigsaw blog I was warned that keeping up with a once-a-week post would become difficult. Luckily, I have a collection of silly responses to customer support emails that I have received in the last 4 years that I can draw upon when I’m not feeling inspired. Here is one from a mildly xenophobic glue sniffer from 2005- I bet Facebook received a flurry of similar emails from this guy when they took down Scrabulous last week…

From: MANZ-----@somelocalISP.com
Sent: Friday, August 12, 2005 11:27 AM
To: support@jigsaw.com
Subject: SCRABBLE

I FIND THE ENGLISH VERSION OF THIS GAME VERY BIASED.  REASON, THE LANGUAGE ALLOWED TO BE USED.  THE ADVANTAGE TO INDIVIDUALS VERSED IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES IS PRONOUNCED.  ADDITIONALLY, THE LACK OF S DICTIONARY RELATING TO VARIOUS LANGUAGES IS A DEFINATE HANDICAP TO ALL PLAYERS.   
AS IS, TOO MUCH OF AN ADVANTAGE IS GIVEN TO THOSE VERSED IN OTHER LANGUAGES.  THIS SAME PROBLEM EXISTS WHEN STUDENTS ARE TESTED IN OUR SCHOOLS.  THOSE PROFICIENT IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE NORMALLY SCORE BETTER THAN THOSE INVOLVED IN THE ESL AREAS.
I FEEL AN ENGLISH ONLY SCRABBLE GAME WOULD BE A GREAT BENEFIT IN EDUCATION AS WELL AS TO THOSE INVOLVED IN LEARNING ENGLISH.

------------------------------------------------

Dear ManZ-

I am very glad you took the time to email us at Jigsaw Data Corporation- I too am very concerned with the foreignization of Scrabble and the English language in general. We’ll get to work immediately with folks from American Heritage and Library of Congress to reverse the expansion (dilution, really) of the international language. I plan to drop my duties running our small data business to focus all my attention with the higher ups from Parker Brothers- it just IS NOT FAIR the advantage that all these multi-lingual people have when playing their game that has become so entwined with education in general. (I will also mention the fact that their Monopoly money being multi-colored is affecting the way our children learn to count- I mean where does it end?)

It is so refreshing to come in contact with someone who has so mastered the work/life/esoteric balance that they can launch such a pointed (ALL CAPS ARE THE BEST) and relevant email- to exactly the right audience for actually getting something done! Stephen Covey should take a lesson from the way you spend your time and effort, and the issues that you tackle. I bet he would add an 8^th habit for his book…

Thank you for not only having the insight to recognize this phenomenon, but having the cajones (whoops!) to bring it to my attention.

Regards-

Garth Moulton

Top ten (legal) hangover “cures”

Despite the fact that I have opined that the stereotype of salespeople as boozy socialites is outdated, alcohol (and recovery from) is a fact of life for anyone that is interacting with customers in the field. There is no substitute for getting well lubricated with that hard- to - reach prospect; but try as you might to avoid it, the next work day comes out of nowhere and you have to pay the price. At the risk of betraying a little too much about my overall sobriety (or lack thereof) here are ten things you can try to keep yourself on track at work when you get over-served the night before:

10. Hair of the dog. Let’s get this one out of the way first. Hopefully you aren’t doing this on a daily or weekly basis, but nothing makes you feel like a human being again faster than a Bloody Mary with breakfast. Good luck trying to make this seem socially acceptable if you aren’t at a golf course or trade show- and I’m only talking about one drink, Betty Ford.

9. Water. Lots of it. Supposedly the main reason you feel like John Daly is that you aren’t properly hydrated. This might be scientifically true, but I’ve never really felt like drinking water the next day really does a whole lot. Drinking water as you imbibe is probably better, or even right before you go to bed, but if you are disciplined enough to do that you probably aren’t doing the type of partying that I’m talking about anyway.

8. Tomato juice. I can’t imagine why anyone would drink this noxious ooze for any other reason. V-8 works even better because it has enough salt to melt snow.

7. Caffeine. If you’re the shaky type like me this can cause all sorts of other problems (“sweaty” is possibly the most unattractive adjective out there), but revving up your heart rate can get you through a dreaded morning meeting. I frequently horrify California healthy people by ordering a Diet Coke with breakfast.

6. Energy Drinks. I wouldn’t do this if I was drinking Red Bull vodka the night before, but if that is the type of adrenalized moron buzz you like when being around customers then maybe you can handle it in the morning. You go, club guy.

5. Alka Seltzer: If you take the kind that doesn’t have cold medicine in it you can avoid the shakes and your stomach will be back in shape in under a minute. Even though it has analgesic in it, it isn’t enough to do much to your headache.

4. Aspirin. Tylenol, Aleve, etc. Everyone has their own preference. Semi legal narcotics like Codiene or Vicadin will nail the headache, too, but it might mix with the alcohol in your system and you could become a walking HR violation.  (Even more than you are normally, Mr. Roper)

3. Exercise. This is my favorite. I bitch loudly when put into a hotel on business that doesn’t at least have a couple stationary bikes in a makeshift gym room. A Murphy bed in the corner just adds to the deviancy of sweating out pure alcohol and watching the weather channel in DesMoines.

2. Get wet. Sauna or steam. Ideally both, with a pool so you can go hot –then- cold. Hot tubs work. A swim in the ocean is a cure for anything that ails you. The no-tell/motel that we stay at near our Idaho office has a pathetic excuse for a kiddie pool, but it’s better than nothing. Even extra time in a bath or shower can work.

1. Pepto Bismol. For when you absolutely, positively have to pick your liquor head up off the cool embrace of bathroom floor tile and get your sorry ass to work.

Most of these methods can used in combination for peak hangover performance. Have fun convincing your co-workers that you’re not the office booze bag.

P.S. Brush your teeth every hour.

Do you want to be in sales?

More than any other corporate discipline, salespeople second guess their current role constantly. I’m not talking about whether or not they want to quit their current position (that’s everybody). I mean they question if they want to get out of the whole sales racket altogether. Even seemingly seasoned (the George Hamilton look-alikes with the Rolex) will admit that they would love to go back to school and become a teacher, open a restaurant, crew a crabbing boat, whatever. For those people who are still young enough to do something about it, the ones that have their fantasies of joining the circus get in the way of closing deals, allow me to focus you with a few quick pros and cons of being in sales.  Who knows--I might help cull a few of you jugglers out of the woods quicker or rein a natural hunter back in.

Cons of being a salesperson:

The number: It won’t go away, not even when you sleep or drink yourself into vaudeville. It gets harder all the time. You don’t get a pass for being old. Or new. It might as well be your prison number that you answer to at company meetings because your relationship to quota is WHO YOU ARE. You are the only person who has to care about everyone else’s job, because they all get paid whether the deal goes through or not.

Your boss: For some reason it is a rule that your manager, your VP, your CEO, your company owner or someone above you in the corporate monkey tree will be diametrically opposed to you in outlook, work ethic, technical ability, looks, etc. For me there was always some process whip-dick who wanted to see the easygoing jokester fail.

The customer: The inescapable reality in sales is that you are totally subservient to the people that will eventually mumble their consent to your proposal. No matter what kind of Far Side cartoon character you are dealing with it is your job to smile your way into their head and get the deal. They set the rules and your only reward for one failed (or Pyrrhic victory) relationship is another one on the spreadsheet. I still have a fantasy of jumping up in the middle of a call, letting everything I really think come spilling out and singing that “Anything you can do I can do better” song in full punk rocker roar.

Pros of being a salesperson:

The number: Hitting that number frees you from all the chains of corporate life. Executive management LOVES you. HR shreds your file. PTO days don’t apply to you- and you work your own hours. It is the way that salespeople become the best paid people in the organization. Nobody can look elsewhere for who is number one because it is right there in black and white- I’m the best, so suck it. It is the closest you can get to being a celebrity or athlete.

Your boss: When you crush your numbers, you don’t have a boss. Your manager needs to just stay out of your way. There is no comparison in any other department. The top sales guy trumps the VP. He gets to slap the CEO’s bald head and call him “Woody” to his face. True story--I once laid down on the stage and fell asleep while a new president was grilling the rest of the company. I was closing deals--so he wasn’t talking to me.

The customer: I’m all about new people. Go ahead, jump in the cliché Conga line and say I’m a people person. Success in sales is directly attributable to how many people you can meet and move toward your goal. You are not allowed to sit at your desk and only deal with the same set of tired people (all former and present co-workers of mine obviously not included). The salesperson is constantly learning -and being entertained- and can make his own schedule. Customers are the path to freedom.

That’s right, the pros are the cons. Decide which they are for you and get out now or get back to work.

Surviving the Summer Selling Drought

Summer is here (I know this because half of California is on fire) and thus begins the most challenging season for a sales guy. The kiddies are out of school, the weather gets better (supposedly) and every customer or target executive seems to mentally –if not physically- check out for weeks on end. Even if you can get someone on the phone, all you hear about is “our kid’s first trip to Disney” or “American Idol camp” (which is probably a cover for Brenda’s rehab) or however your standard US business person misspends the lousy 69.3 PTO hours they get per year. Don’t get me wrong- I love summer- but it is tough time for sales people to push deals along. And unless you work for some fairyland company where the quota gets lowered to account for July and August being shot then you need to develop a strategy for not getting canned. Here are a few ideas:

1- Plan ahead and be ahead of a yearly number by now. Hahahahaha. Thanks for the tip, grandpa. Maybe next year. And I’ll clean the garage and get all my Christmas shopping done early, too. This post is not for sales people that are crushing the number- they should be on vacation, too!

2- Pipeline development. By this I don’t mean stuff all stages of the sales process into a month, try desperately to create a fall sense of urgency, discount the crap out of your product and ultimately fail miserably trying to close a deal on July 31^st. I mean really examine your territory, choose what companies should be doing business with you, research who the players are, get all the time suck networking or partner stuff out of the way and start trying to have INITIAL conversations. Pipeline isn’t closed revenue, but it is something that your sales VP can enter into a spreadsheet and model to his heart’s delight. And you’ll be in a lot better position next quarter than the guy who spent the summer pounding the same four prospects, surfing Monster.com and bitching to HR about benefits.

3- Farm your client base. The quickest deals to be made are with your current customers- upsells, cross sells, accelerated sales, whatever. Check your comp plan (or better yet, go sell your manager or the appropriate accounting guy) to make sure you will be compensated and get imaginative. Is there training that could be bought now and delivered later? Professional services? Pre-pay for next year’s subscription? Remember, your company obviously prefers good old fashioned revenue, but everybody likes something over nothing and they have moving target numbers to hit, too. Besides, it is never bad to solidify that relationship with a customer who might be moving to another company soon- or be there to buy your next company’s product.

4- Conduct your internal campaign. All sales guys (including yours truly) love saying that “numbers don’t lie” and “coffee is for closers” and all that ma-cheese-mo stuff. But at least 1/3^rd of your job security and recognition is directly related to how great everyone else in the organization thinks you are. Spend extra time in the CEO’s office listening to him blather on about his latest shiny object idea. Pick a night to get hammered with the VP of Sales to solidify your position as a hard nosed closer that is poised to deliver the goods by year end. Discuss why Eureka has hotter chicks than Stargate SG-1 Check (Wikipedia to get your dork rap down) with the tech guys. Humor the Biz dev guys and talk about “partnerships that will really move the needle.” Being popular pays dividends, believe me.

Above all, do whatever you can to not give into the urge to get stressed and do unnatural things (like call them on vacation) to your current prospects. Nothing kills a deal more quickly than when you let your customers feel your desperation. Labor Day will be here soon enough.

How to trash your competition…without getting garbage juice on your pants

Before we started Jigsaw, Jim Fowler and I worked in the email marketing space. It was 2002; marketing budgets were being gutted and second guessed. Every deal was a dogfight- not one penny went uncontested by one of the 25 other similar companies out there trying to survive. Our company had the largest customers doing the most complex programs, but our product was the most expensive, required the most services work and lacked critical features. As much as I may have wanted to take the high road, any successful sales cycle included getting a boot on the neck of my competitor and holding them down long enough to get the deal signed.

I have written all over this blog about being positive, not bashing the competition, never mud slinging the other guy.  And I believe that wholeheartedly- Oracle, Siebel, Parametric, and other “scorched earth” sales companies always ultimately are hurt by their vicious reputations.  But that doesn’t mean there aren’t crafty ways to get a leg up on your competitors. Here’s a few of my favorites:

The Cold Fish Compliment: Anyone who has a salty grandmother or mother-in-law knows how to do this one. “She’s a nice girl, Garth; she’ll make someone around here (East Jesus, Vermont) a good companion.” Just what you’re shooting for at 17, right? I used to say that my competitor’s product- the one that cost 1/10^th what mine did, was easy to implement, and had more features out of the box- was “a good transactional engine for marketing departments with limited goals.”

Unfriendly Insider: In an incestuous market like Silicon Valley, everyone has worked with everyone. Whenever I was asked about a certain competitor I would say “I have a lot of friends working there, so I don’t want to say anything that might hurt them” or “they were a close partner of mine at such and such company and I really shouldn’t air dirty laundry.” When the obvious prodding came I would lob out the casual “I think all their services talent is in flight” or “Isn’t their executive team under indictment?” or whatever gnarly but pertinent detail that popped into my head.

Facial Homicide: It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. I consider myself a master expressionist (more distorting language to fit my meaning than related to art). Whenever a competitor comes up I get the most dismissive, “those guys can’t hold my jock” look on my face, but say something totally congratulatory. A knowing smile with just a hint of “those guys ride the small bus” works wonders to discredit the most formidable competitor.

I’m ugly but he’s disfigured: Break only in emergencies- this deal is slipping away. By now you better have become friendly enough with the customer that you can “speak with them privately” or better yet, get trashed with them. At the right moment of vulnerability, lay your weaknesses on the table in a lump. Let it sink in how brutally honest you are, not like a sales guy at all, and then let the guy who is getting the deal have it. Everything you have heard about them and a bunch of imaginative dirt to boot. This might backfire, but you’re basically out of the deal already so what the hell, right?

You might be reading this thinking that I am truly a slippery sales guy. I am actually totally reformed as a company founder. Now when asked about the competition I tell it straight, with no hinting expressions. The contact data you get from list venders, traditional data aggregators and web crawlers sucks.

Harness the Power of Silence

If you’re like most salespeople, including me, your natural response to a gap in any conversation is to fill it. The more uncomfortable the silence, the more words you try to stuff in there. It’s almost as if you’re an Iowa shopkeeper and silence is that nasty oil topped flood water spewing toward your front door. Quick- get out another sandbag of inane excuses for everything that you think your customer might be thinking.

When I first started in sales my most obvious tell that I was in over my head was my penchant for babbling. At the first sign of technical trouble with a demo, price resistance, or an accusation that my CEO had told an outrageous lie (an hourly occurrence) there I was spouting acronyms at crystal meth speed in Porky Pig cadence. On the phone CIOs probably took a little mental vacation (pre internet, remember). In person I’m sure they just noted the time and looked forward to when the IBM sales guy was going to show up for drinks or golf.

It was only after a number of years that I learned that when I shut up, my customer started telling me things. Important things, like what his objections were, or who was really going to sign the purchase order. Positive things- like what our product strengths were vs. the competition. Negative things, like how the competing sales guy never zips his fly up or his SE keeps hitting on the marketing chicks. Sometimes he even started talking himself into buying my product-my personal favorite. At the very least, neither one of us spontaneously combusted if there were few moments of silence.

Now that I’m on the other side I notice the nervous gabbing all the more. It is amplified by the asynchronous nature of speaker phones- only one person can talk at a time. Recently a Jigsaw product manager and I had a salesperson on the line and we used his inability to pause as a replacement for the mute button. It sure would have been helpful if he had at least cleared the line for 10 seconds so I could sell his product for him- it looked interesting from the web research I did.

This isn’t anything new- everyone says “ask questions,”” listen to your customer,” do 80% of the listening and 20% of the talking.” You know when verbal diarrhea is coming. Take your pepto or go to your happy place or do whatever you can to wait it out. You’ll be amazed at what you learn.

The Open Data Initiative Video—Director’s Cut

Sorry folks,

I’m strapped for time this week so you’re getting Open Data Initiative leftovers. Below is the VH1 “Behind the Music” of the Founding Father’s video that is running on Jigsaw’s site (via Youtube, of course).

A few random thoughts:

- That is double-sided tape I am putting on my legs to keep up those annoying stockings. Yes, just like J-lo wore to keep that green dress on.

- The producers of the video edited out all the profanity from both the actual video and the bloopers below. Most of it was mine.

- We paid for those costumes- so mine will be coming out on Halloween when I terrorize my neighborhood. (Old habits die hard)

- Everyone at Jigsaw calls the Open Data Initiative “ODI” but never publicly because besides the obvious nasty sound to it, it stands for (from google):

www.odi.com- the world leader in subsea electrical and fiber optic interconnect systems (more tools)
www-odi.nhtsa.dot.gov - Office of Defects Investigation (yikes) also see 

optical distortion inc  oracle data integrator  optimal daily intake  oswestry disability index

Anyway, check out the video below for a more laughs at my expense. Next week I’m back to ripping on you.

Jigsaw’s Open Data Initiative – A Collection of No-Brainers

Obviously, the title above does not mean that the folks that worked so feverously to complete the Open Data Initiative are a bunch of dummies. I can be critical to the point of snarky sometimes, but I do more than sit around and shoot holes in my foot all day.

What I am talking about is that for everyone involved in BtoB selling or marketing, downloading Jigsaw’s company data FOR FREE makes so much sense that you have to be a nitwit to not at least check out the offering. Here’s why:

For our CRM partners, it is just too easy. Their biggest challenge to overcome with new and existing customers is data quality and maintenance. Salesforce took time off from counting their money to OK our idea and all the other major players are on board, too.

Entrepreneurs looking to start a BtoB company need to research their market if they want anyone to invest in the company- or come work there. I know all the MBA types are great at licking their finger, holding it up to the wind, and then pumping out a 30-page market report based on the population of Detroit times the GNP of New Guinea. Now anyone that can operate a computer can go to Jigsaw, download a million companies into Excel (FOR FREE), and get a look at their market based on tangible things like the revenue, employees, geographic location and industry for future prospective companies.

For smaller companies already selling to businesses: Stop hiring sales people based on how many company addresses they know off the top of their head and cobbling them together into an under licensed Act database. Now you can focus on 10,000 companies from Jigsaw that fall into your 2 top verticals that have revenues of more than what your product costs. Did I mention that this will cost you nothing? (Make it 100,000 companies if you want to get freaky- that’s free, too)

For companies that have been at it long enough to have amassed that ugly mess of historical data from 6 generations of salespeople (about 3 years) into your 2^nd CRM database, you need us, too. Jigsaw won’t match, de-dupe, append and maintain all the companies that you have for free (we charge what amounts to pennies per record for that), but I bet you are paying some sales-ops guy who would love to get his hands on a list of 1 million up-to-date and complete company profiles that he could download into a spreadsheet that has been specifically created for the CRM system of his choice. (Maybe not- those guys do like to complain a lot and would rather buy a 10 year old tivo -because those are the ones you can hack- than pay $5 a month for the new service DVRs.) Jigsaw company data is better than yours because we have 500,000 sales people that are incented to enter and maintain the accuracy of the data. That is 499,999 more motivated people than you have. (there is always some dork who likes to update CRM data for fun)

For even larger companies that can afford to pay one of the traditional data companies millions of dollars to update and maintain your company data… good on ya. If that is working so great, why have you switched vendors so many times and still your sales people ignore your big CRM system- in- the- sky? Because it sucks and you know it. Come to Jigsaw and at least check out the companies we have. It probably isn’t as good as what D&B has today, and it doesn’t have some esoteric 20 digit code that maps out the location of every Burger King in Sheboygan Wisconsin. But it just might be good enough to power your sales and marketing efforts. And with the power of our user generated community, Jigsaw will be picking the data dinosaur’s bones pretty soon.

And yes, I believe so strongly in the Open Data Initiative I was willing to walk around Haight and Ashbury in San Francisco wearing tights for over six hours. You can watch me along with my co-founder and Jigsaw CEO Jim Fowler declare data independence in a short three minute video. Get a laugh out of it? Help me get my marketing department off my back and forward it to your friends.

Thankfully no Corporate Rappers

The night before Fowler and I were scheduled to make the promotional video for our big announcement on June 4, one of the producers suggested that we do a rap video. Of course Fowler, being the optimist that he is, immediately brightened up like he just invented electricity and said “great idea! Garth, you write a rap for us and we’ll do it tomorrow.”

In a panic that I was going to be involved in viral video that rivaled the “fat kid with light saber” I immediately set out on Youtube to find at least an easy beat so one of us wouldn’t have to suffer the indecency of having to beat box. What I came up with is a classic by DJ Kris P (google “DJ Kris P. My” to get the idea- warning it is R rated). Then I set out laying down some rhymes. It’s not great, and thank heaven we didn’t end up rapping, but I thought you might like to see a sampling. 

My Data Your Data

My data is a marketers dream

Your data makes sales guys scream

My data’s got the direct dial

Your data is off by a mile

My data kicks serious ass

Your data costs more than gas

My data updates all night

Your data looks ugly in the light

My data includes the email

Your data ain’t got no detail

My data charges like a Minotaur

Your data is old like a dinosaur

My data nails it cold
Your data- over 10 years old
My data is Salesforce ready
Your data got hacked by Freddie

My data gets the dog and pony

Your data is old and phony

My data is zipped up tight

Your data was never right

My data opens up doors

Your data mops the floors

My data shines like gold

Your data is straight up old

It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your rev grow
Jigsaw will get you the sale
the old guys do nothing but fail

Be sure and check out Jigsaw on June 4^th. It’s better than 2 white guys rapping.